A bruised eye. Cliché. It seems that this is all my life is these days, a series of perfect clichés. Damn, this is going to take a pound of make up to cover and there is no way I can make it totally un-noticeable in the day light. No way I could go to college, this is going to invite a million questions from my friends and I guess they are kind of getting tired of the me clumsy idiot reasoning. Plus Mehak would know what is going on inside me. She is my best friend and she knows everything even when I don’t tell her. I just can’t deal with all that right now. I can’t even afford to miss any more classes. I am already short on attendance. Why must all the bad things happen together? Atleast I should be glad that I don’t stay with mom dad because if I had to face them now I think I would probably have a heart attack. I let them down. I knew it. I knew they felt it in the last one year. But to see it in their eyes, it would kill me. I don’t even remember the last time I spoke to Ma.
Life is something. It can change, do a complete 360 in a matter of seconds and sometimes you wait a whole lifetime, try as hard as you can and nothing changes. I have gone from the sweet, full attendance, friends are most important, mom is my best friend, dad is my knight, feminist girl into this. This person who just can’t care about anything except Raj. Raj is my boyfriend and he is responsible for this change. Since he came into my life, I just found myself. Atleast that is what I thought then. Now I feel, when he came I lost myself along the way in trying to become one with him. I think love does that to you. The crap about you fall in love or the latest, you rise in love is so false. The truth is you lose yourself in love and when you emerge with love flowing all through your soul you are a different person. Sometimes it’s for the better, sometimes for the worse. For me it is..I don’t know. I am sure if right now I say it’s for the worse, in a few hours or tomorrow I would say I was wrong and it is for the better. Raj does that to me. Raj..Sometimes I curse the day I met him. Sometimes I thank my stars for that day.
Our story? Getting drunk with our respective group of friends in a club, he approached me and his approach was too cool for me to turn him down, we exchanged numbers and then it started off from there. First Texting, then the calls, then meeting, then wooing..you know the jazz. Finally giving in and then the works. I know it’s neither magical nor romantic but it’s raw, real and passionate. That is us- raw, real and passionate. I feel if you could rip my heart open and feel the love I have for him it would blow you apart. Your body could not deal with such emotion. Sometimes I wonder how mine does. I love him, truly, deeply, madly. But is it enough? Does it make him be good to me? Are we perfect? Are we happy most of our time? Have I never regretted it? Negative is how I answer all those questions. We have too many lows. More than our fair share. Too many bad times. Why do I stick it out? For me, when there is a high, it is so high; I feel I am on drugs. When it’s a good time, it is so good that it gets me tripping. And then I forget the bad memories. They seem too small and negligible. Like I know how I am feeling today, how much my eye is paining, how I feel I am in such a fix and I feel so down. Knowing Raj he would do something and by tomorrow, this would seem like ancient history. Love works in weird ways.
So why are we so bad at times? I try my best to not be but I think Raj can’t control himself at times. He has the worst temper. It’s not his fault, he has had a bad childhood (read cliché). Mehak says I should not make excuses for his behaviour and I guess that is what they say in all those women magazines but why doesn’t anyone realise that it is not an excuse. His bad childhood makes him who he is so how can he help himself if he has a bad temper? Shaista, my classmate, changes men as often as I change my clothes. No one calls her a bad person, everyone just says it’s because her parents are divorced so she is a little unstable. Isn’t that using an excuse too? So yes, Raj is a nice guy with a bad temper for which there are reasons.
Last night, we were going out for a movie with his friends. I got five minutes late and it was whole shouting about how I was so tardy and had no respect for his honour infront of his friends. Yes even I laughed out when he said this, which meant another shouting about how irresponsible I am and how lightly I take things. It went on for quite a bit and we ended up missing the movie. His friends are so used to our fights that they went on along without us. Finally the shouting stopped. We made up in a child friendly manner. We joined them for dinner.
Notice how I used shouting and not argument? It’s my term for when he fights and I just listen. It happens a lot. There is no point arguing with him so I have given up. Dinner was good. One of the good times I talked about. He was the perfect boyfriend then. Had I been angry at him for embarrassing me infront of his friends, which I wasn’t because it was a routine now- him shouting at me infront of the world, well if I was I would have forgiven him.
It’s what happened after dinner that got me where I am right now. I am making Raj sound to be the most horrible person right? He is one of the best people I know minus the temper. So after dinner, as usual we came over to my place. We decided to curl up watching Lost. We were sitting on the sofa, me sipping on Cosmo and him on scotch, engrossed in the happenings on the island, we looked like a picture of bliss harmony, should have seen that as a sign as something bad will happen- a fight was brewing. He did what most guys do, he made his move and I did what any girl engrossed in a sitcom would- I shrugged his move off. It happened, precisely three more times and each time I shrugged it off. That was it, after the fourth time, he just lost it. It started with shouting but soon turned into a full blown out argument the details of which I will spare you guys from. Just that there was a lot of shouting from both sides. The end was that he stormed off. Soon after he left and I started to get ready to go to bed, I felt pukish and stormed off to the loo where I tripped on the mat and hit my face on the door handle with the knob poking my eye and the next thing I knew I was in the emergency ward in the hospital. Apparently Raj had come back to sort things out with me, that is what he says, I think he came back either to shout on me some more or see if there was a scope of him getting to make up in x rated fashion, if you know what I mean. He saw me passed out and called the emergency service.
Now it’s the time to hear the biggest cliché that happened to me. Drum rolls please? Yes so they ran some tests on me while I was there, to check for injuries and guess what they discovered?
I was pregnant.
So here I am the morning after, sitting with a bruised eye that make up won’t cover, still in college and probably going to be kicked out of it due to short attendance, have a boyfriend who makes me love and hate him at the same time and so totally pregnant. By the way I haven’t told Raj, I don’t know how to or whether I should also or not. The thought of keeping “it” has not even crossed my mind once. I can’t. It’s not even possible to think of it, imagine how impossible it would be to keep “it.” I have already decided what I am going to do. There is no other option or possibility of anything else. I am sure of what I want.
Does that make me a bad person?
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