As I entered that room, my eyes immediately fell on her. Lying on the bed, her weak frail body, she looked like half the women she once was. And all this I could make out from a feet away. My sister had a personality that once she walked into a room; all eyes would be on her. She had grace, she had elegance apart from the beauty and yet she could give you nightmares if you dared to mess with her. When she spoke, her booming pearly voice would encapture the entire audience. Her style was her own, the most natural and down to earth yet what took most people in awe. People say life changes in a day but sometimes it changes slowly over the years.
As I reached closer to her, I was scared that she wasn’t breathing. How could someone so frail take the effort of breathing? To check, I looked at her chest and it was heaving up and down. I sighed a little bout of relief before I looked up, saw and remembered the ventilator that was actually making her breath. Her chest wasn’t heaving on it’s, it was that machine which was making it. What good was life now, when it couldn’t even breathe on its own? Could we even call it life?
Life, gives us only one assurity, that there will be death for all those who are born. Ironic isn’t it? Death always comes, sometimes it takes you away fast, sometimes it tortures you slowly, sometimes you get a chance to say your goodbyes and sometime it all ends before you can even think of byes. Sometimes you live to be an old man with white hair, full of wisdom and wise things to say and share (which piss of your younger generations and they call you senile) and sometimes it’s all over before you even got a chance to live and learn who you are. Which is better? Who are we to judge? Death is never better. No matter in what way it comes.
There is so much sadness in this life, step out of your home and look around for just two minutes. You will find atleast five things to feel deeply sad about. Look at the little puppy on the street burning away in the heat with no food to eat or water to drink. Look at the person who begs on the red lights, knocks on your car and you refuse to even look at him. Look at the major natural disaster which in all likelihood happened somewhere in the last one month no matter when you are reading this. Look at the little baby who has a heart problem. Look at the old woman with Alzheimer who doesn’t even remember her husband. It’s endless. Sometimes you don’t even have to look outside your home; you can just look around the people in your house.
My sister is, was...kind of is-was in between right now...I choose was, the one who taught me how to live and in the last two years since she was diagnosed with cancer she has just taught me that even better. A cancer patient at 28, it took us all by shock but atleast then (initially) we had hope. Though I think hope never leaves. It just diminishes, but it always stays. We humans pray for miracles till the very last minute. Like right now, I still have a tiny hope somewhere inside me that she just might wake up and be all okay. We humans are quite a hopeful lot! When it all started, I was always calm. It wasn’t because I was a strong person; on the contrary I have bones made of glass (I used to cry when any one of my friends forgot my birthday). It was because I always thought she was invincible, that she would beat this. I always thought this would be a road block in her life not the road end. She my was Kittu. She was the one who slapped me when I cried after falling off the bike, she was the one who shouted on me before hugging me when I was moaning over a broken heart, she was the one who always told me not to flinch when I got an injection and made fun of me when I did..no she wasn’t mean..she just was the strong one and wanted me to be as strong as her. Again ironic isn’t it. In our family, God picked the least scared and strongest person to fight the battle for her life. And as I stand here, I can see the curtains closing on her life and there is no bloody thing I can do about it. Money buys you a lot of things doesn’t it, lot of things that I adore which again ironically I couldn’t care about right now. I wish it could buy a few days of life too.
The last two years, I have seen Kittu grow so much stronger as a person while her body grew weaker. No cancer like all movies show doesn’t make you perfect. You are still very much a flawed human. She was strong but she did struggle with it. She did curse life, she had days where she hated all of us, the entire world just because we were fine and she wasn’t. There were days she actually used her cancer to get us to do things and make us feel bad (my Miss Kittu Vixen!). Days she screamed and found fault in everything we did for her. Days she refused to talk to any of us because we couldn’t feel her pain, day when she did wonder why it was not getting okay, days she was scared of dying, days I could not recognize her a person. But she was there and most of the days she did not let the cancer get the best of her. Days she encouraged me and all of us to live as normally as we could- carry on with our jobs, school, life. Days she let us cry on her shoulder. Days she was more positive than any of us. Days she focussed on our problems, small illnesses and took care of us down with flu rather than us taking care of her. Days when she fretted about my exams result and was more anxious about my score than her reports. Days she would tell us how lucky she was to have all of us. Days when she made peace with what was coming. She fought it, with all she had and she remained positive, it came back and she fought it once more and when it came back again she knew it was time to stop fighting as it was not going anywhere, it was a part of her now and she choose to accept it. She didn’t give up but when the doctors told us there was only so much we could do, she choose to accept it. She didn’t cry or talk about killing herself. Somewhere I think she was ready to give up. The last two years, Kittu taught me few important things in life and I have decided to take stock of the ones I can think of right now-
Life goes on, move with it else it will leave you behind.
Pain is going to come, so don’t try to run from it. Hug it, love it, adore it and it will go away. It is like a man!
The world is a sad place, when you find your moments of happiness do live them up.
As we grow up, our fears just increase because we do learn about so much bad that can happen. No ignorance isn’t bliss but learn to live with the fear in background, knowing it exists but never letting it get the best of you.
Don’t spend even a micro second of your life thinking what people think of you or say about you. The little bastards will always talk, misinterpret, exaggerate and just bloody make up things. So really, ignore them.
Never let your problems get the most of you. They will get a little of you, but keep the rest to yourself.
Find yourself before you try to find your soul mate. Once you do find your soul mate, don’t lose yourself in him.
Love you friends and give them the best of you but be careful about the frenemies- the friends you would rather not have and the fake-friendships. Really don’t spend you breathing moments on them. Your life isn’t Gossip Girl- people don’t usually plot and scheme that much. Do remember, throwing your best friend in a fountain or sleeping with her boyfriend will definitely ruin your friendship. And if your best friend does this to you, it is not ‘mature’ to forgive her.
You will make mistakes, learn to forgive yourself. But don’t be a bitch and keeping making the same mistakes again.
Be good to others and the one who aren’t good to you, let them be.
Love your family.
As I stand and look at her, I do know its a few hours or a few days before she goes away for real. When even the machine can’t help her breath and I am ready. Because I know mostly she isn’t here anymore, the best part of her is gone. I will miss her and I know even if we had those 2 years, I am not prepared for it- her going away and not being in my life anymore. You are never prepared for someone you love to leave you forever. But this time I have learnt to not be selfish, when there isn’t a cure coming its better if her death comes and her out of her misery. I do promise her that I will live by what she has taught me without even knowing she was teaching me all these years. I know a few years from now, I will be caught up in my life, fretting over things like work, boyfriends and thinking my life sucks. Hopefully that day, I will remember this note and read through it.
My sister..my fairy..I won’t tell the world you lost your battle...because you never did..I will always say you put up a brave fight and then when all the fighting bored you, you befriended the enemy and walked away in glory with him. Though I am sure he did bribe you with Dior totes and LV clutches, the only things you loved as much as me :) . Take care.
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