Ahaan. So most of you read the title and were like, WHAT! You immediately felt the curiosity and the excitement to read this thinking- ‘WOW she is going to share that’? I really think there is a pervert that lives in all of us and ofcourse I am no exception. So ladies and boys (yes I said boys not gentlemen please make note of that) sorry to burst your bubble, but by this I don’t mean ‘fuck’ fuck, as in to put it in crude language- ‘having sex’ fuck or to put it in a sweeter way for the romantic ones out there- ‘making love’ fuck. It is used here in the- ‘he is such a fucker’ expression fuck. This fuck refers to a boy, erase that, THE boy. Our generation does use the word fuck a lot doesn’t it? Delhi Belly sure en-cashed on that trait of ours.
Anyways, the male population reading this should just stop because this isn’t going to be easy on you. Most of you boys out there are just rolling your eyes while you puff away your cigarettes or joints is it(?) and saying- ‘oh she is one of those girls who blame the men for all their problems’? STOP reading now. As for my fellow ladies, join on in. I do love you all..mostly all minus the pea sized brain bitchy gossipy ones. I am due for a visit by the red riding hood very soon so excuse me for all the emotionality. It is PMS and very sadly it isn’t a thing we only hear in Sex and the city.
We have grown up all our lives and heard this over and over again- men, can’t live with them and can’t live without them. Bet you have heard this atleast 100 times in your two decade plus life! I think that’s the mistake there. Have you ever heard of ‘selective conditioning’? Well it’s what has happened and had we not been fed this lie over and over again, we could have made ourselves accustomed to thinking- men are dogs..the Rottweiler kinds not the cute faithful ‘will wait for you’ kinds..better live without them. You would not see those girls heartbroken, shedding a tear on the metro, breaking down in a coffee shop, howling on the phone in a parking lot. Only if our mothers and aunts had been smarter; the world would have been a better place. Who knows maybe women would have finally won the battle of the sexes till now.
So he who makes my world go round and gives me butterflies in my stomach; also make me feel like slitting my wrist and crying my guts out. He who can make me the chirpiest person alive also gives me days when I pass through like a zombie.
What is it about men that makes them such utter disappointments? I wonder if there is switch for ‘not disappointing’ that is turned off in their bodies? A man can never live up to his potential, ever. And the biggest mistake we women make is love these guys for their potential not the ones who they actually are currently and in all possibility will ever be for the rest of their lives. By giving man potential, it was wasted. It’s like giving a sports car to my 80 year old grandmother who mind you does know how to drive but would never dream of stepping the peddle above a 30Km/hr.
In short, God wasted his resources when he made Adam and the rest of the rascals that followed. The way I see it is that all we need the man for is the sperm (science has taken care of the rest), well I can think of better machines to put the sperm in than the machine called boys!
So a girl becomes a lady, a woman. How is it, a boy will always be a boy? Exhibit A- a 40 year old with two kids working his ass of in the office. Leave him alone with his guy friends and you will understand what I mean. A boy, not man. No different from my 24 year old.
So yes, coming back to my boy, AKA Akshay. What can I say about him? My love or my frustrations with him? If I stated with that you would fall asleep and wake up after a day by which time I would have written a thesis and be well on my way of getting a PHD. I will just share with you the story of the fateful ‘yesterday’ and you my dear lady friends will feel me and the dark place inside me that I come from.
So this one week, Akshay and I were quite caught up with our office work. The usual go early come back late and no time for anything. It was a killer week and we didn’t get to meet forget getting to talk properly. So we (okay I will admit, I) had planned a perfect Saturday for us where we got to spend hours with each other. Go watch a movie we were dying to see since months, followed by lunch, followed by few hours lazing around in our fave hangout and then a long drive. It was supposed to be the perfect Saturday. So guess what Akshay did? There I painstakingly took two hours to get ready for him- to find the perfect set of clothes, ensure my hair looked awesome, find the right accessories and the works. And then when I meet him he does these two idiotic things- one) he barely notices me or how I look or how I did my hair differently or how cute my dress was looking...or how brilliantly hot I was looking..so many things to notice notice one you dumb ass!! Two) he got his pain in the ass friend along!
Okay lets break this down, first someone please explain to me, why is it that men are so super observant when they need to pick habits/gestures of people to make fun of them but they become completely oblivious to their own girlfriend's new haircut/dress/etc? How!!! Secondly, what is it about men finding comfort in the company of other men that they need to drag them along at an outing with their own girlfriend?! Okay usually when Akshay gets Mohit along (his bff, though they hate me addressing them as that) I rarely mind, but point to be noted is that this is not usually. We had not met this entire week, so I was so not wrong for wanting to spend time alone with my boyfriend!
After a quick hello to both of them, I take out my BB and BBM the ‘pain in the ass’ BF of mine asking why Mohit was there, and my dear ladies, guess what? He replies like the thought never came to his mind that I might not even like it! If exasperation caused heart attacks I would probably be dead by now. After which enthused a long BBM conversation the jist of which is that - since he didn’t meet Mohit this week too and Mohit really wanted to see the movie too, he got him along. Then realizing my annoyance (miracle how he realized that!) he promised me that Mohit would leave after the movie. There went away my dreams of keeping my head on Akshay’s Shoulder and munching on popcorn in the movie. Sob sob. It was so tough to get Akshay to show any love in public’ forget it happening at all with his friend around!
After the movie, Akshay did stand true to his word and we bid Mohit a sweet sweet farewell. Oh ofcourse I acted like the perfect GF, putting in the salutary- “Oh you are leaving (complete with shocked expression)? No you must stay (said in the most pleading tone)”..haha..as if the loser could listen to what I was really thinking!
We moved on to deciding places where we could have our lunch. Now ladies, not that I am too hi-fi or something, but if you are meeting your boy-toy after a long time, you do think of going to a nice place with a good quite comfortable cosy environment and an elegant ambience. It is so not over expecting to expect that right? Yes so, the options shelled out by me and Akshay were as apart as North and South Pole! The options were like this-
Team Me- Taman gang, Veda, Kylin, Smokehouse, Chi
Team Akshay- KFC, KFC, KFC, Pizza Hut, McDonalds
End Result- Awaited
Do you see the stark difference here? Should I not feel like banging my head against the wall and feel like he doesn’t really care if we meet or not after hearing all this?
A semi-huge argument followed and I did get my way and we walked over to Veda. After placing the order (by which time Akshay had managed to piss me off once again by telling me to hurry and decide what I want...what was the hurry?), our drinks came. There I was dreaming of some nice conversation and catching up on our week. And what does Akshay do? While I told him about my week, these were the words that came out of his mouth- hmm, haan, oh and acha. You would think this was his vocabulary! Occasionally he also glanced at his phone (yes I did feel like throwing that stupid BB on the wall but then we would not be able to BBM and that would be a more loss to me than to this idiot).The icing on the cake is yet to come. So when I finished talking and asked about his week, this is what he said- “it was fine”..that’s it...5 days of the week, 60 hours at office, 10 hours for personal life and he says- ”it was fine”...I mean I didn’t except him to give me a million words but really, three words? Arghhhhhhhhhhhh! Maybe I should have been happy knowing that atleast his vocabulary was more than those 4 words.
I decided to ignore it all and we quietly munched on our food. Note the quietly because it was like if I didn’t talk, he would also not utter a word. After lunch we decided to go to Mocha (luckily there were no discussions or arguments on that) and guess who we ran into there? Mohit again! And Akshay acted so surprised to see him (please don’t tell me you also think this was not planned, how can it not be?) Mohit was there with the chick he was currently dating or in his language- ‘doing time pass’ with. So after we finished our customary greetings, Akshay and Mohit decided we should sit together. I felt like kicking Akshay where it hurt the most! I mean, HELLO!!!
What followed were the most annoying three hours of my life. I was reeling under anger at Akshay but given the company we were in I had to pretend all was fine and the whole pretending was getting on my nerves. I so could think of better ways to spend my Saturday than sit in Mocha with Mohit and his ‘this-week’ girlfriend- things like sleep. Yes sleep would be better than this, watching re-runs of shows on TV would be better than this, damn-oh-damn even a saas bahu serial or big boss would be better than this! The ‘this-week’ girlfriend seemed to have knowledge of only five things- shoes, clothes, bags, designers and fashion magazines. Everytime she discussed all these topics she would move on to how the weather was currently, how Delhi weather sucked and then get back to her 5 areas of knowledge! It wasn’t her fault you see, her brain was too small to accommodate any more knowledge. Amusingly, every single time anyone called on her phone (must have happened atleast 15 times in those 3 hours..damn! dumb people sure have a huge dumb friend circle) her first dialogue would be – ‘Tell me the gossip Bitch!’ (I mentally LOL’ed’ bitch..haha). Well atleast she provided me some entertainment. Finally we decided to leave.
Now my last hope was the car drive which I had planned as a finale to our supposed to be ‘great date’ day. Well as we went down the lift, Akshay told me he was too tired and would just drop me home. OMG! Finally, the pressure was too much to take and the lid came off! You ladies know how much I tried to not reach this point. But now it was way beyond control! I felt like killing him. What followed obviously was a huge argument- the ‘Mahabharata’ of all relationship fights and it continued all the way back home. Mean words went from here to there- left right, back and forth. And finally when he dropped me the fight went on to BBM. And after a while he said he was sleeping and just switched off his phone! Can you believe that? I mean WTF!
What followed was a painful night, loads of tears, agonising over a turned off phone, the entire big fight and all the awful things he said. I barely slept the night. And by the morning I was sure that this would have to end. Enough was enough. Even if I could ignore everything else, insensitivity the main trait was beginning to piss the shit out of me. I had made up my mind. I wrote this long note to pacify myself, to remind myself everytime I felt weak what jerk man-kind was and it was supposed to end a line before.
Then the worst thing happened- ‘he who must not be named’ anymore woke up and BBMed me a ‘good morning’ like nothing happened! Really, men do have balls! I had the right mind to chop off those things and feed it to my dog when my phone beeped again and it was again ‘he who must not be named anymore’ BBMing. This is what is said-‘Sorry baby for yesterday night. Take all the mean things back.. just got too angry. Head was aching so slept, sorry.. love you lots! Stop being angry now..promise won’t happen next time. Lets meet for dinner?’
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, he who must not be named, can be named again now- my Akshay!! Isn’t he just awwwww. He said sorrryyyy. He said he loved me. He took back all the mean things. Just soo awww. Yes yes I know what you are thinking, but right now its just too aww. I know tomorrow he will fuck this up again..but right now I feel like I am on cloud 9 and really did I actually not sleep last night? Its me only, who makes a big deal of small things. I mean so what if he got his friend along? Mohit is his best friend and he is sort of fun to be around. And Akshay baby likes burgers more than Pan-Asian, Italian or any other cuisine so he gave options of those for lunch. And ofcourse that meet up at Mocha with Mohit was not planned. And obviously if your best friend asks you to sit with him, how could anyone say no? Uff! It is just me. Also he had such a hard week, ofcourse he was tired and wanted to drop me home. And how would he BBM me back when his head was aching? Poor baby, I troubled him when he was feeling sick. It is all me..I make the mistakes..I am the ‘fuck’...now must go plan today and make up for yesterday..bye!
Yours Sincerely
Emotional Fool AKA Girl/ Lady/ Woman
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