Why to love ‘How I Met Your Mother’ even after 8 long seasons of not knowing the mother? ©

Let’s start with finale of season 8. Did not get to watch it the day it aired but the minute I knew the mother had been revealed I actually felt goose bumps and went straight away to Google her picture and when I did see her I went all “awwww.” The casting directors must take a bow. They have found the perfect Mrs. Mosby! When I finally got time to sit down and watch the show, I felt like a kid waiting for her present. I contemplated fast forwarding the 21 minutes to just see the moment the mother is revealed but that would mean missing the 21 minutes of the show so I didn’t. I don’t know how many of the breed of HIMYM loyalists are left. But for us breed, it was one special episode.

Most of my friends who belonged to this breed in the beginning have slowly moved on by now. While some have completely stopped watching it, others keep watching it for the hope that it will end one day and great mystery will be revealed. I on the other hand, have always loved this show and will miss it dearly once it’s over. I really can’t wait for season 9 but it also saddens me that there will be no season 10.

So why do I love this show? There are exactly 4 reasons to that.

1)      Ted

How can one not love Ted? His belief in the universe and never ending search for true love is heartwarming. Even after one fall after the other, the guy still believes he will find his one, his one true one, his soul mate, the girl who will complete him, the mother of his future children and that is “awwww.” So much hope in the magic. How can you not love that? It is our inspiration. Life leaves us all so jaded. As we grow up life stops being more about work career and growing up than love and soulmates. When we were younger we often felt that we were put on this planet to love, to find love and as we have grown up- among those of us who found our love, our one, we have let love take a back seat while work/career/ growing up drives and for those who tried and didn’t they have resigned and moved on from love only itself. Being a part of this clan I feel truly ashamed sometimes that we all seem so practical and boring. Don’t get me wrong. We can’t always live to love or walk like there is music playing in our heads or take every love lost in our stride and smile through but we can be a bit more optimistic. A bit more romantic. A bit more “awwww.”

Ted makes me believe that one can always believe in love so much, one can believe in hope always, one can believe in soulmates, one can believe in romance.

2)      Barney

Okay so everyone at one point of time has loved Barney. Be it because of his antics with ladies or all his bro codes, or his plays from the playbook or his “legen..wait for it.. daryness” But the most magical part about this character is how it has grown over the years. How Barney has gone from being a never want to commit kind of guy to gradually growing into someone who was ready to commit. And all this while never losing his awesomeness. Kudos!

3)      Lily and Marshal

You can’t not love this couple. I would kill my boyfriend if he became anything like Marhshall but Lily and Marshal together work as a couple. A part of my love for them is because in this “who’s next world” they are a symbol that long relationships do not mean love fizzles out or you grow boring together, but that the years are growing together not aging and becoming more fun because of your better half. I love that they have shown this great strong couple who have had their share of problems but have roughed it through. It’s cute how truly dependent they are on each other, how they are not two but one person, and how they complete each other in every way. (For all of you rolling your eyes right now, don’t else they will permanently get stuck there :P, love a little huh)

4)      Robin

This lady is how lot of the men would like ladies to be, hot and not emotional (no wonder she and Barney make sense together). She is strong, independent and totally in control. Ted was in love with her and she was always honest about how she felt from day 1 never ever giving false expectations. Respect.

So those are the 4 reasons why this show is still worth loving.

As much I don’t want this show to finish I can’t wait for the series finale. But I just hope they do not give it the end Friends got, with friends moving on in their lives away from each other. I am at the age in life where some of the people close to me are married, some getting married and some who will be married in the coming few years. Everyone is moving on. And I would like to believe (and hope really), that marriage or having children does not mean that your life with your friends is over. That things have to end. Things change, agreed but I know friends always find a way to be friends and I hope that is how this show ends on one final note.

(Short Story) A Chapter of Sunshine ©

My life sometimes seemed like a chapter off a ‘tear wrenching’ book or a ‘cry a bucket’ of popcorn movie. And trust me, I am not being dramatic. A badly broken family, finding out I was adopted, finding out things about my real parents I would have rather not known and then losing one of the only two friends I ever had to cancer. All of this by the time I was in my early 20s.

I sometimes felt I had lived 2-3 lifetimes already. The burden of life had already weighed me down so much that I was ready to pack up and leave without a word. I felt I needed to give up and it all really did suck. But that's what's it's about life. It is always in control, never you. You just got to live with what you got and hope it gets better when you know deep down it just could all get worse. They say there is a rock bottom? I believe there isn’t, it’s like a black hole with no bottom. You think you can’t feel worse and you do.

So I lived and hoped for a better. A better something that would be my sunshine in this full world full of darkness. And life decided to be kind to me then, and I got my something in the form of someone. When I met him and we started bonding it was actually like a ray of sunshine you get to feel in those bleary cold days, brightening up everything and just making the cold more bearable and more fun. Life was the same, nothing except him had changed but now the whole life just seemed more livable and enjoyable. Everyday tasks of getting up and going to work were brightened just because I would speak to him in the morning and would spend my journey to work reminiscing about the things we talked about and just how magical I felt. Magical, yes that is the term I can use to describe how I felt, I wanted to wake up every morning, I wanted to look good, I wanted to get free time so I could spend it with him, when I closed my eyes to sleep every night I could actually feel a tingle in my toes. I don't know why he had that effect on me. I often try to decode it but I can't perfectly. Maybe it's true that sometimes you just connect with another human being like you are two different parts of one being. Just him being there made me so happy.  Plus he was a damn neat guy. He listened to me, he protected me from a lot of things and he understood me. He loved me.

All this while I never realized how dependent I was becoming on him and he welcomed that dependence, infact he encouraged it. He would only want me to discuss my life with him. And because I loved spending time with him, hated spending time in my dysfunctional family and didn't have too many friends, I also started preferring that. Dysfunctional family messed with me, go to him. My birth parents troubled me, go to him. Got a bad appraisal at work, go to him. Fought with my only other friend, go to him. Him, him and more him. And he would always support me no matter if I was right or wrong. On one occasion, I fought with my sister (our fights were horrible and she was a typical brat so it was another level of sibling rivalry) and because I was so annoyed with her I actually acted diabolical and deleted this presentation she has been working on for a big client. He told me I did the right thing. So while everyone chose to abuse me, he was there. And I loved it. And at that time I felt he was right for doing it, because I felt only he knew how much my sister had scarred me in life. She was the one who even told me I was adopted. So when I did that thing out of "she deserves it" only he could get it.

For me it was finally like having someone on my side, I had a team and I could conquer the world. If life was a restaurant constantly giving me a bad serving and me being the customer who silently ate it and tipped the waiter I became the customer who stands up and shouts and demands for what she serves. I had teeth and I wasn't scared to bite anymore. Come life, Akansha was ready for you with Rahul by her side. Yes that was the catch, him by my side. Because with him I was everything, without him I was nothing. I used to call him my sunshine.

We dated for 3 years and I was mostly happier than I have ever been. I say mostly because no matter how much of a team we were we did have our fair share of fights and when we fought I used to completely break down.  And those break downs were bad. I could not sleep, I could not eat and I could not work. I say could because at this time I was not deliberately torturing myself. It was just a natural reaction. Plus except him I now had no one. So it was worse. And no matter how much shit life had thrown my way this was a place I had never visited. And I hated it.

When we fought and if he would just even say that it's not working out (out of pure anger), I would cry and beg him to not say such things. I would cry, howl and shatter. I think seeing all this did scare him. Who would it not? I don't think he deliberately made me so dependent on him; he was just trying to fix something that was broken not realizing that the glue he was using was him and if he went I would break once again.

I till date don't know how dependent he was one me. I never doubt his love. But he had his own life. He had a normal upbringing. Parents that adored him, a younger sister whose hero he was and a million friends who kept him on their speed dial.

I think the first time my dependency dawned on him was during a major fight we had regarding a small thing. We were to go on a weekend trip. And I had been planning for this trip and looking forward to it for a month. On Friday there was some crisis at his workplace and he had to cancel the trip because he would have to go to his Bombay location over the weekend to fix the fuck up and would be back only next weekend. Firstly I did fight with him for cancelling and cried the whole day on Friday not eating (which was by now my very normal reaction to our fights), that was still okay. What I did or more like what this possessed part of me did after that was not okay. In retrospect I think what got to me was that he will not be there for a week and in the lifetime of our relationship this was the first time he was going to be gone this long. I don't think my heart could fathom and digest that. After he sweetly apologized and got me dinner on Friday night I was okay with the cancelled trip. But then as he was leaving to go home my heart skipped like a 100 beats and I just knew I could not let him go because I felt in every core of me that I would not be able to survive if he wasn't in this city and I could not see him everyday. Trying to sleep what bothered me was the thought of him not being there. I kept thinking of how I would not see him. Then even scarier and irrational thoughts came into my brain. What if he did not come back? What if something happened to him? What if being without me for a week he realized he didn’t want me anymore? It was like my insecurities were suffocating me. I felt I could not breathe. I knew I needed to get out of this situation and save myself. He had taught me to fight back when life pushed me and I knew I had to even know. He would understand. I had to do something. I went to my loo, opened my medical kit and took out all the pills I could find in them. And then I took all of them. Put them in glass, and just swallowed them and then gulped a lot of water. I put everything back in order, went to my bed and closed my eyes. I remember when I opened my eyes in the emergency ward my gaze fell on him and even though I was drowsy like anything I could see the extend of concern in his eyes and then I saw something else in his eyes for the first time. For the first time when he looked at me, there was fear in his eyes. I felt happy, he would not go. I closed my eyes and rested peacefully.

We didn't talk about this incident or what I had done. The doctor had prescribed me psychiatric help. My family could not care much and he, well he did not know how to react. So I never went. We moved on. But that incident changed our lives together, even thought everything seemed the same there had been a shift. He was always careful about what he said to me. First I used to ignore it even when it pissed me that he wasn't being himself. Then I could not ignore it. He would never fight with me over anything even when I did something wrong. I could not take it anymore and that is when the cutting began. Self harm or solace depends on how you see it. Every time he pissed me by deliberately not fighting with me, treating me with baby gloves, I would first fight with him asking him to be normal and then I would go find solace. First few times he did not realize what I was doing, but after the 4th or 5th time he noticed those cuts. That's when I saw the ‘fear because I think you are crazy’ look for the first time in his eyes for me. He scolded me, cried and said a million sorries. Was so surprising, it wasn't his fault.

It didn’t stop. Now my break downs included all of this too. And I would break down on the smallest of the things. He would be going away for a day for work, breakdown. He would be going for his sister’s convocation, breakdown. He did not tell me his night plans which were without me in advance, breakdown. He did not call when he said he would, breakdown. Somewhere between all of this I did realize that now I was deliberately torturing myself maybe as a way to hold on to him when he was not even really doing anything to go away.

I think he realized his love was making me sink. Maybe because he loved me so much he knew things I felt before I knew I was feeling them. By actually being there for me and supporting me even when I was mean just because he wanted to fix me he had created this monster who was normal when surrounded by him but the minute he moved away the monster went down to self destruction.

One day in the evening he called me to meet him in the park near my house. This was our place, where we walked and talked and sat and laughed. We had some of our best memories here. We sat on our favorite bench. For quite a few minutes we both didn't speak. It wasn't uncommon. We found happiness in the silences often. Then he held my hand and when I looked at him he told me that he loved me more than he could ever show me. He kissed me. He took a letter in my hand and asked me to read it when I was home and not before that. And he said he had to go as he had a family dinner. I asked him where we were meeting tomorrow. He just smiled a sad smile and said he was in a hurry and walked off before I could say anything else. I had found that a bit weird. He never gave me letters. He never walked off without ensuring I had also left. I remember clutching that piece of paper in my hand and wondering what was wrong. And I knew I could not wait to go home to read this letter. I remember the urgency with which I read the letter.

I cried for what seemed like hours before I got up to walk home. He had left me and he would be leaving this city that same night itself. He was shifting tomorrow to Bangalore and would not be coming back anytime soon. He would also not be speaking to me for sometime.

I knew this was the end. And I knew he was right in ending it. His sunshine which had lighted up my world had also not begun to burn it. His letter said it all. I understood. I got my why. And I agreed with that why. He had given me closure. In one letter.

I managed to keep calm and not harm myself during this entire breakup phase. I did consider it. A lot of times to be honest. But then I remembered his letter which he had asked me to hold on to. And it gave me strength, exactly the strength I needed that time. I had to be independent to get out of this. And it was time to end the self destruction.

It's been one year as I write this. And I still hold onto his letter. I haven't spoken to him at all. I do sometimes visit his Facebook page. I m not on his friend list but I like to see his cover photo and the thumbnail version of his display picture. I don't do it to spy on him. I just like feeling connected to him in some way. I never doubted he loved me, I think he loved me a lot and did what he did. But his love was like an addiction for me and it had me spiraling out of control. And he had so much love for me that he put what I needed before what he wanted. He knew that he had to stop being my glue and let break again because the cracks showed.

I am still alone but I am independent and I realize now that's a big thing. I can never think of hurting myself to get my way or doing something mean to my family. I don't know how I could be such a person. Every now and then I know I will find the person he wanted me to find. The person with whom I will find the correct balance. And even if I don't I know I will manage alone. Someone said right, we come alone and go alone. To a hope for a better tomorrow..

“….Akansha, I know you must be crying by now. I wish I could hug you right now. I can’t believe I am the person putting you through so much pain when I have hated everyone who has hurt you. But I need to. I have not left because I can’t handle this. I can handle this. I can take care of you my entire life. But If I did that, you would no longer remain the girl I loved because you would never grow with me. You would only be a shadow of everything I knew you were and want to be. And what if something happened to me? You call me your sunshine. But sunshine is not what you need. You need someone else. And now when you search for that one person to spend your life with don't try to find someone like the sun. The sun brings light and brightens up everything but remember it shines so bright that if you look at it directly you will go blind and when it stops shining your world goes dark. Find someone who is like the Moon. Moon brings light in darkness. When you look at it directly it soothes you and when it's not there you do perfectly fine in the day light. Love should not make you so dependent that you are useless without it. Love should bring the best in you. Love that cripples is like a drug better avoided. Love that pushes your limit and makes you rise above everything you will be, giving you strength to be the best you can and silently supports you when you fall pushing you to rise, well that's just what love should be. Go find your moon. I am sure you will and incase you don’t then be your own moon darling.

Love you forever

Rahul”

The so called “Ideal Age” ©

Sitting with friends over a hookah (technically that was a couple of hookahs) the topic moved to marriage. This was a much talked about topic on many conversations with girlfriends over the last year. We had all reached that time in life when we were done with our studies, the post grads and had been working  and the next question which most people would ask us was- what plans for marriage. So inevitably this topic did shift into most of our hookah table conversations. This conversation was like the others nothing different- discussed the same thing. Arranged vs. love marriage, family adjustment, adjustment for women, living with family vs. living alone and then ofcourse the ideal age to get married. The entire ‘ideal age’ of marriage part stayed with me. Possibly because the consensus was that it was around 25 to 26 and I was already 25; soon turning 26 and definitely not getting married anytime soon. The other thing that stayed with me was the consensus that guys had no ideal age to get married and they could get married anytime.

I kept pondering on these two things even after I was home to much later in the night. Why was it that women had an ideal age and men could walk away with “when they felt like”?

Most of it does have to do with our society. In India, a woman’s life is only supposed to begin after she is married while a man must fully enjoy his life before he commits to marriage. It’s like for women marriage is supposed to be ultimate dream come true while for men it is the life they must run away from as long as they can. Then there is obviously the biological reason. A man is born with a lifetime supply of his sperm (well mostly lifetime). But a women’s stock is limited. It’s like Adam and Eve had a race where the prize was lifetime supply of the ‘get preggers’ stock and Eve lost, so now we all suffer the brunt of her failure. Imagine if this would have been reversed and men would actually be the ones with the ‘limited validity’? Would it not be so much fun? In every relationship it would be the guy who would say “Baby, I am getting old we should get married.” Or how about “Honey, let’s have a kid soon before it becomes difficult for me?” Then it would be men chasing the ‘good ripe’ women before they got hooked up so as to get settled and make babies. Just close your eyes and imagine this for 2 minutes. I bet you will be “Laughing out Loud!”

So are these the only reasons? Ofcourse apart from these there is the ‘shallow cosmetic’ reason. Every girl wants to get married when she is her youthful best looking, before the white hair and wrinkles make an onset. Now most men age like wine and they could not care less either ways. Every young male heartthrob has just become hotter as years went by. Even your college crush has just become hotter. But for us women, it’s like a downward slope as we grow older unless you are a beauty queen and constantly in the eye of the media with 100 people helping you with your fitness regime, 200 people helping you cover up what even the fitness regime can’t change and 1 very important doctor who can undo the work of even 300 years on your skin, ass, boobs and any other place you thought no one would even look at. So unless you are the rich and the famous you are bound to age in the not so “Jennifer Aniston” fashion.

So as a conclusion there are 3 main reasons that make us define our ideal age- society cum parents, ‘preggers’ stock and we ourselves. If we look at it logically, 2 out of these 3 are indirectly or directly in our control. And if we control the majority we could actually push and define this age like we wanted. And should we not? I know this is not a change that would happen so easily, but even if few of us change our thinking would it not affect our future generations and so on? Ofcourse there would always be those annoying aunties and uncle who have no better work than to ask you when you want to get married but atleast one would not feel pressurized by it since there would no so called ideal age.

People want to start big revolutions but can we also start this ‘small sa’ revolution so that one day no 25 year old girl will feel that now it is her age to get married so she should start wanting to and planning for it even if she did not feel ready for it? And that marriage even for women becomes something to be done when they are  so in love that they want to be married or maybe when they themselves want their parents to start looking for the perfect guy because they themselves want to begin the next chapter in their lives and not cause it is the ideal age to.

Revolution ‘No Ideal Age’ anyone? ;D 

Trouble ©

What is it about trouble that comes in form of guys and attracts you crazily to it? You are a sensible young girl who till now has always known better but then infront of this you feel powerless, you feel like you have no choice but to give in, it is not just a want anymore, it is an insatiable need and infront of all these feeling  you ask yourself- how bad can it be? Months later you do get that answer and you wish you could turn back time, to go back to the moment when you let your better senses go and the feelings take over.

It’s funny how all my life I never liked to play with fire. I was always the girl who played it by the rules, played it safe and played it in control. I wasn’t boring but I had hard limits set. What else would explain that I was 25 years old with just 2 relationships, both serious and both which ended because I decided that they had just run their course and did not make sense for me to be in them anymore. No I was not cold by any standard or calculative or mean. I was just sensible. Love was one thing, life was another and that’s how it was for me. No matter what Karan Johar or Yash Chopra tried to teach us, love was not everything. Period.

I had my friends falling for the girls and boys who from a distance one could make out were wrong for them. But they would let themselves fall for them and I would silently judge them and wonder why they were so stupid. Why give your heart to someone who you knew for sure would break it? Wasn’t the difference between a human and any other animal that we could think much more? I never knew I would ever be at that place. I think life does that to you, takes you to the place you always think you are too good to be at that. Life takes you there just to show you, who is in control and take away your misconceptions.

The day I met him, I think that’s the day I let go of my control for the first time. After that day I don’t think I ever got it back. I remember when I first saw. I was parking my car outside my friend Sonia’s house and as I was putting my head lights off I saw this guy (him) removing his jacket and handing it over to Chotu Bhaiya, my friend’s cook. From far away I could make out the look of gratitude on the Chotu Bhaiya’s face as he folded his hands and walked off to his cycle. That’s the minute when I got off the car and his eyes caught me staring at him even from that far away. It’s always like when we stare at people and they catch us staring me look elsewhere feeling caught, however I didn’t feel like I was caught, I just felt stuck, glued on to it, like I had to keep looking, like I was not doing anything wrong. It went on for barely ten seconds but felt like eternity, till Sonia came outside and yelled my name. After hugging her we went to take the alcohol and snacks that I had got out of my car. When I turned back to see he was gone. I asked her about the guy standing outside and handing over his clothes and got to know that he was Akshay her old school friend and he had given away his jacket because Chotu Bhaiya had to go back on a cycle to his house which was about 10 kms away wearing just a flimsy sweater and Akshay felt he needed warmer clothes. When I heard this I was like wow, who does that at our age specially. Kindness like that always touched me. After picking the stuff as we walked in she told me more about him. Things complete opposite of kindness. He had had a laundry list of girlfriends till date, never staying with anyone longer than a few months. He was known to have flings, be promiscuous and break hearts like they could be glued back to perfection just like that. That’s intrigued me, the kindness and the evil casualness put together. In retrospect I feel that was so foolish of me. It’s a stereotype isn’t it- the bad boy with a heart of gold. 

I was surprised at how I behaved that entire night. Wanting to catch glimpses of him throughout the party as I had not been able to look at him properly but only from an angle, my eyes continuously scanning whichever room I was in to see if he was there. It was illogical and that’s what made it more amusing for me because illogical was not my department. My wishes did come true that night, after few drinks when I went to the loo there was long line which I refused to wait in and went to Sonia’s room to use the loo there. When I opened her door, there he was.  All 6 feet, tanned skin of him just few inches away from me and I could see him clearly. To say he was attractive was an understatement. If I was a dog my mouth would have opened and I would be drooling right there. Without thinking I just closed the door behind me and stood staring at him with my drink in my hand. His chocolate brown eyes piercing back into me. I think I stared for a few seconds too long without anything that he finally spoke up to ask my name. If I remember correctly I think I didn’t reply for atleast 1 minute which possibly made him think that I was an idiot. Once I did get my voice back and my “buzzed”ness under control, we chatted for a few minutes about how we both knew Sonia and thought she was so awesome, where we lived, what we did, etc. The conversation just flew. It was weird that we didn’t need Sonia to introduce us. We had managed to get introduced just fine. He cracked a few jokes, I laughed which reminded me how much I needed to go to the loo but I could not pull myself away from him. And then I did something which I had never done before. No I didn’t sleep with him or kiss him, I wasn’t promiscuous. But when he asked for my number, I immediately gave it to him. Infact I spoke out my number so fast that he has to ask me to say it slowly. I felt so goofy then. Like he was some angel who was walking on snow and I was like this idiot roller skating on the road and falling again and again. No one had ever made me feel inferior ever and he managed to do it. I never particularly though I was a Greek goddess but I knew I was fine and did have manage to have men fall over me when I made the little extra effort to dress myself up well. But again I never went for looks; I was more of the content girl.

The next few days we exchanged BBM pins and were continuously messaging. I wasn’t innocent, we were flirting. The usual dance that men and women do before they start dating, it was that and much more. I didn’t meet him during those initial days but I was still so attracted to him that I didn’t know what to do. All this while all those things Sonia told me about him actually didn’t bother me. For a change I wasn’t thinking ten steps ahead, I was just enjoying the moment. I think that’s what it was for me, it was different from what I was used to, what I had known and done all 25 years of my existence. This was adventurous and fun and when it came in a package like that, well it was damn hot too. The BBMing led to calling and meeting and more I got to know him, the more wonderful a person I got to know he was. He had extreme love for his family and his younger sister was the apple of his eye. Brought up in typical Indian style, to see the love he had for his family was endearing for me. He was the guy who volunteered at a pet shelter. He was the guy who gave 100 bucks to the beggar children just like that. He was the guy who would rather go meet his grandparents driving 300 kms to Jaipur than go to a pool party. He was the guy who would generously give tip even when that was all the money he had left for the month. And all this while he was oblivious to all the good he did. He had a big heart and I beginning to fall in love with that heart. At times my brain used to ask me to think about what Sonia had said and I used to ignore it thinking they were all rumours. You tell me, how could I believe then that someone with a heart like that could ever play games with anyones heart? I was falling hard. 

Somewhere Sonia caught sense of what was happening and told me she needed to speak to me. She questioned me on my feelings for Akshay and I lied outright to her that he was just a friend. I didn’t want to admit to her what I was beginning to feel for him because I knew she would not like t. But being my friend for 5 years she knew I was lying and she warned me point blank then about as good Akshay was as a guy, a friend, a person, that awful he was as a boyfriend. She told me about the last girl he had been with and how he had cheated on her not once but three times, in one single week with 3 different girls. I could not believe that, I kept quite buy in my heart  defended him, making excuses for him like it was all just  a misunderstanding and people were blowing things out of proportion, how he had just not met the one, etc.  She kept telling me about all his exes, his flings and his one night stands. How he always left a line of brokenness where ever he went. I was scared then, scared of who I was falling for. I still thanked Sonia and told her I had to leave. There was just too much on my mind and when I didn’t answer his calls and messages that night he knew something was wrong and asked me to meet him in the park near my house.  It was 1 in the night but I still decided to sneak out and go. I thought this was my chance and I would tell him all that Sonia had told me and he would obviously tell me it wasn’t true and all exaggerated and it would all be okay.

I remember him already sitting on the bench when I reached. I took my place next to him. He didn’t say a word. After a few minutes, his hand moved on top of mine and I felt the biggest rush of my life and pulled it back. There was silence and I knew I had to ask him now or I would forever lose that chance. I looked the other way and bluttered it all out, everything that Sonia told me. I kept speaking and speaking and then I stopped and I looked up at him. Expecting anger in his eyes and his statements of denial to begin. But what I saw was so much different. There was a pain in his eyes, in the heaviness way and he just looked into my eyes and told me that he never meant to hurt any of them. I could not believe it, I looked away. A part of me was shocked that it was all true, another part of me wanted to ask him how could he cheat on a girl with 3 different girls and not mean to hurt that girl, another part of me wanted to just walk off and not talk to that piece of shit again, another part of me wanted to hit him for hurting so many women, but this other part of me wanted to hug him and understand that pain in his eyes and then take it all away. I think that this other part was the strongest that night. I didn’t hug him but I could not get myself to walk away or do anything else. Then I looked up at him and he was looking at me. My mind told me then very clearly- he was trouble and I should walk away, run infact but my heart it didn’t want to move. And then before I could think anymore, his lips were on mine and he was kissing me. My brain was screaming at me to run away now but I could not move and before I knew it I was kissing him back and that voice in head it was drowned as that kiss consumed me. I had willingly given in and now I think how manipulative he was to corner me like that and put me in that spot.

I think there was no turning back then, and that day when I gave in, he has already opted out. I was not going to be the girl that would change him, the girl who finally took away his heart..how could I be? When I was in his heart was nowhere in sight. It was just passion, fun and a lot of laughter. Maybe it was the chase that was exciting for him and once the chase was over his interest was also gone. We were together 3 months and it did end like it always did for him. His interest dwindled and he walked away. All those 3 months I thought things were fine and our flame was growing not knowing that the flame was infact growing powerless by the minute. One day we had stupid fight over which channel to watch at his place and when I went home and tried calling him not giving much thought to our fight, he never answered. Several calls and messages later, there was still no reply, no call back. I even tried going to his home over the next few days. He wasn’t home whenever I went. I didn’t know what was happening. I was confused and thought I had done something wrong and if he told me I could correct it. I re-ran our fight in my head a million times trying to decode if there was something more to it than just a fight about a channel to watch. Within a week of this happening he wrote me an email- about how nice I was but he could not do justice to me and we could not work out hence we could not be together and wished me a nice life. It has been just 3 months but when I read this letter I felt like someone had had pushed my head inside a water tub and was trying to drown me. I had spent a week analyzing my actions trying to wonder what triggered him to not talk to me so that I could correct them and make it okay but he had just cut the cord saying we could never work when in 3 months I had never felt that once or even felt that he felt that once? I used to blame myself then, I did for a very long time. Only later I realized I was never at fault. It was just how he was and I was stupid to give in. I dated him for 3 months but it took me a year to get over what had happened to me.  I had lost control of my life, my relationships.

Now when I look back I have made so much sense of it but I still do not know why he was the way he was and why I fell for him so hard. I sometimes wonder if there will be any girl who will change him, get to his heart. I sometimes even wonder why I could not be that girl and then I scold myself for feeling that.

So life dragged me down from my mighty throne from where I sat and judged people right down to the floor among them with my heart bandaged. I wonder who is judging me now.