I Dream about Santorini ©

They say when you fall in love you don’t know you will. It blind sights you. And hits you out of the blue. Well when I fell in love with love of my life, it did not take me by surprise. Somewhere I knew I would and I could feel it happening, the entire falling in love part. But when I fell for Santorini it was quick and it happened so fast that I could easily say let’s eliminate the falling part and call it directly in love!

It was our last spot on the trip and what I knew was that it was a romantic place and as I was travelling with family and solo on the couple front, I felt that I would obviously feel out of place. But Santorini, I was directly in love with you.

The journey didn’t start so well. Like earlier mentioned, Santornin was our last stop. Which meant the vacation was ending which obviously made me sad. Another bummer has been our mode of transport to Santornin. When we went to Mykonos we had booked a ferry and that ferry was one of the highlights of the trip. The ship was as huge as 10000 trucks, there were atleast 100 trucks and cars fitting into it, it was so grand it hardly looked like a ship with high end décor, coffee places, fast food joints, TV rooms and the works. The 5 hours of journey were blissful. I sat in the open area on the top, reading a book & listening to music being surrounded by the cleanest bluest water and islands faraway. Bliss.

We had booked a ferry to Santorini too and though I was told that this was speed boat so much faster and smaller I did not get what I expected. For starters the ferry was about 2 hours late. And waiting on a port is a no fun experience. There are no seats, no fans..nada. And these islands can get hot. Here have a look.

The wait initially didn’t seem all that bad given what I was dreaming about the ride. This was only a 2 hours ride but I had my book ready and my music set. I could not wait to soak in the sea again that also from on top of a ship. And then the ship arrived. The ship for starters was 1/10000 the size of the earlier one and the worst bummer was that there was no seating in the open! I was dejected. So post a laptop gone missing scare (yes we had one of those and if we were not the budding entrepreneurs we are trying to be I would not carry one so no lesson learnt here), went to my seat and slept off through the journey. Already wishing I could rewind time.

When I arrived there was nothing special that hit me on the port. All Greece cities look like that, white with this serene calm surrounding them. Pretty ofcourse.

What did first get to me was the ride we had to the hotel. It reminded me of all the Indian hill station drives except shorter and instead of land you are surrounded by water. The evening was just setting in this time. 

The sun seemed like a big ball of fire which would nourish you if stayed away but burn you if you got closer.

 Our hotel was situated in Fira which we learnt was one of the main centers of activity. It had the caldera view. So the location was thumbs up. The only con was that the road was rocky and uphill and there was no bell boy to carry your bags. And no equipment either. Which meant that the huge bags had to be pulled which ultimately led to the breakage of one of our bags handles (the poor thing could not finally take the load us Indians put in our luggage, us girls put in our luggage and all the pulling we did). We learnt an important lesson. When travel to Greece carry smaller bags and as much as possible travel light. Most of the time you will be pulling your own luggage. Spare your shoulders cum back and sacrifice 2-3 dresses and those heels which you will not even wear.

Coming back to the view. Amazing. Amazing, spectacular, breathtaking, and occasionally the casual awesome are few words that you will find across this article. Maybe time to use a thesaurus and find synonyms?

                                     

And the lane was bustling with places and activity.

Could on not just soak in this view everyday, observe the people, life the daug life?

That’s another thing about entire Greece. People love their dogs and everyone loves their dogs too! You will not see anyone running away when they see a dog and irrationally shouting/screaming. How many times I have witnessed our pug (a tiny creature who can easily fit in a big tote bag) stand infront of some people and scare the beejes out of them. Like what are you scared of? Too many cuddles and attention?

People love their dogs, the take them out everywhere.

The first night we choose to enjoy the view from our rooms and go somewhere closer for dinner. The lovely thing about tourist destinations and having a hotel in prime spot is that everything is always buzzing. We did not want to walk to Fira Market which we were told was a 15 minutes walk so we decided to check out the lane next to our hotel. Filled with several joints we choose on a joined called ‘il Cantuccio’ serving pizza and pasta since we were sure we would get something vegetarian there. I will not go over what we ordered. Sheena and me got a little adventures and ordered something that sounded fancy. Basically we were quite bored of eating the same thing in veg over and over again (namely the Greek specialty gyros, margarita pizza and pasta in red sauce). So when we saw something which was veg and had so many things in it, we ordered it. Lesson learnt? Do not experiment when you are veg. But overall the place was ‘awww’. It was like a cute little bistro, had now sea view as such but had a quaint magical feeling to it. Like a small little hidden café, something only the selected few could get into like the magical platform in Harry Potter.

Later in the night when I was going off to bed I saw the sight my phone camera will not catch properly. Santorini is known for its sunrises and sunsets. But what is even more epic I feel is the moon shine on the sea and the glistening water. The sight is spectacular. It excites and calms you at the same time. Only a moon can depict the right character of a sea. Shining but dark.

Next morning I was very pumped for some excursion. My brother clearly was not. I wanted to check out the town, the volcanoes, the hot springs and Oia. He wanted to have breakfast and enjoy the view from the Jacuzzi (oh yes I forgot to mention, we had one in our own room). Jacuzzi with hot water and a divine view. 

Why would one even want to leave this place?

Post all this we started off on our path to Fira market. 5 minutes into the walk and it is easy to realize why Santorini is counted as one of the prettiest places in the world (if there was any doubt left).

We made several stops along the way just to click pictures. I could picture a life out there. What would it be, waking up to this sight everyday? When I have put this thought infront of my friends a lot have said one would eventually get bored and stop appreciating it. But is it? Is it honestly possible to get bored of a heaven like place? Then why do people spend their entire lives wishing for an afterlife in heaven?

The walk is nearly 15 minutes and uphill plus downhill but it is one of the prettiest walks ever, I could do it over and over again, you get pass these beautiful boutiques, hotels and houses some of which have dogs sitting outside greeting all passersby. A place where man, nature and animals have found harmony.

Fira market had everything. Not only were there cute little souvenir shops there were high-fashion retail outlets along with wine shops. Jewellery also is big here. There were proper jeweller stores with latest designs and there were funky jewellery shops with stuff made out of stones. We spend hours going into each and every shop and exploring them. Apart from exploring new places the other thing that is really exciting to do in a new city is to explore its markets and stuff they sell. There is something in the environment there. It is not like your usual market places. Apart from looking at the unique stuff sold, there is love and romance happening on the streets. Happy faces. Children playing and jumping all around. People doing things at leisure. The shopkeepers are sweet and welcoming.  And in a place like Santorini this was all present multiplied by ten times. Maybe it is because you are a traveler so you only look at everything through this lens but the essence of any place can be judged by its market place.

The entire Fira market was like Disneyland for adults.

In the market there were also several bars and thought it was just afternoon we stumbled across one that served hookah and we had to give it a try. Albeit slightly expensive hookah and no other clients (which given the time was okay), the bar seemed a lot of fun. It is named ‘2 brothers bar’. There were several offers on drinks but guess what? No food. Which by the way is a typical Greece standard. There are stand alone bars which do not serve food. It might be a little tough for us Indians to survive in such a drinking environment. When we drink, our stomachs growl and our appetite increases and suddenly we want to eat everything in sight.

In the evening we were back in the market place to watch the sunset. We choose a place called ‘Zaffora’. It had both an open front and a terrace top seating arrangements, both given its location (on the edge of the cliff) are a win-win. We choose the terrace as we wanted the full view. A bit chilly with the wind blowing but the view made up for little shivering.

I wonder if it the sun that sets more beautifully here or the sun mixed with sea and the beautiful mood everyone is in fills this place with so much dreaminess which makes everything more beautiful. I was in a brilliant mood since we were here. Everything seemed so much nicer. Is it because I was wearing some sort of googles? Does going to Santorini give one dreaminess goggles named ‘Santorini goggles’?

Were there couples wherever I went? There were a lot, but not all. There were families too. There were friends. There were big groups. There were groups of oldies. There were people alone. I noticed how many people actually came alone. To be that comfortable with yourself to come out travelling alone, is a sign of confidence. Somebody who is so comfortable with himself or herself which most people aren’t. We don’t want company because we can’t live alone. Ofcourse we can live alone. It is just we are scared how boring we might be and hence do not want live alone by only ourselves for company.

The next day was our last. We had planned to go check out the volcanoes we had heard so much about and the hot spring followed by Oia. The boat ride to the volcanoes was a lot of fun. This was a proper boat-boat with a pirate feel to it.

The volcanoes were honestly a lot more effort and a tad bit not worth it. The sight is magnificent. Black

rocks. Craters. But the walk, be prepared to sweat it out. As used to carrying only flip flops or heels we weren’t carrying or wearing sneakers and we walked in volcanic rock ash surface for nearly 2 hours. So end result? Near broken shoes. Lesson learnt, on a tour to Greece carry sneakers? Hot springs were a pleasure while Oia was like Fira only but places there were a tad bit more expensive. It was also slight more white and blue than the Fira side of Santorini. Oia is known to have the perfect sunset view.

 In the night we hit Fira again. And this time we shopped. Picking up stuff for people back home. Post the shopping spree while deciding where to go we checked out the bard. The men outside the bars will give you all sorts of deals and discounts to get you in. It’s a welcome change from having women outside to attract people. Here we had guys (anyway this is linked up to why Greek Gods are popular :p).

In the morning as our bus arrived to take us to the airport. I was not ready to leave. I wished we had spent lesser days at our earlier destination and more here. I was not done. I did not have enough. I felt like a lover wanting more of its beloved. I was sure I was stilling wearing my ‘Santorini goggles’. I did not want to remove them.

I wanted to say goodbye to this place. Pulling our luggage was not going to be easy (remember the rocky area explanation). So I decided to get done with the heavy lifting first and then came back to the Caldera view infront of our hotel. I noticed how the moon was still visible even though sun was out and shining bright. Knowing my love for it had it also come to bid me goodbye (hopeful huh)? In the brightness of the sun even the mighty moon seemed like just a dot in the sky. (Lesson learnt in retrospect; we all are stars and when our time comes we will also shine bright like the moon does in the night. Maybe we are not waiting for our day to arrive, we are all waiting for our night to arrive. Hold on to that thought).

It’s going to be almost a week since I am back. Are my ‘Santorini goggles’ still on? Well I do see more love and beauty in things and am a tad bit more inspired than usual but that feeling you feel, when everything you look at makes your heart give out a dreamy yet satisfied sigh? You know the feeling you get why you have the first bite of your favorite chocolate or the feeling you get when you crash on the bed after a long fruitful day or the feeling you get when you get to see the first episode of a long awaited sitcom or the feeling you get when you buy a new iPhone which you waited to get for a long time? Well that feeling was with me in Santorinin all the time and is now sort of gone and I miss it. I miss feeling like that all the time and ‘Santorini goggles’ give you that feeling.

So now you know why I dream about Santorini.

Till me meet again city beautiful..keep inspiring & keep romancing..

The 'ExtroIntro'Vert ©

So let me admit this straight away. I am a bit of a know-it-all. I am. A tiny bit. My boyfriend will disagree on the tiny part but let’s leave the extend to be discussed another day.

So this know-it-all is especially present when it comes to psychology. That also human and dogs. Somewhere in the back of my head I do consider myself somewhat of an expert. I have never even taken a class on it. Ever. I believe somethings come inherent to you. If fashion and style can be so inherent why can’t something like psychology be? Right? Some people are just more attune to this stuff okay. Feelings, emotions, characters etc. etc. As for dog psychology, I had 3 dogs. So there.

So yes that’s me. A very non typical know-it-all ‘pretend’ expert on psychology. Atleast in my head.

So I was going about living my life thinking I knew all about myself. How could I not? It was me! I had to know all about myself.

I often felt sorry about people who wanted to ‘discover’ themselves, what fools I thought.

“You have known you your entire life and if you still haven’t figured it out, it really might never happen. Best of luck for all your other relationships.”

My inner voice is quite sarcastic and a bit of a bigger know-it-all b****. I apologize on her behalf. No I do not have a double personality. We all have an inner voice okay.

One of the things I was sure about was that I was a people’s person. An extrovert. I thrived around people. I loved their company.

And then one day I read an article a friend of mine had posted on her Facebook wall titled ‘27 problems only introverts will understand’ (Link- http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/problems-only-introverts-will-understand) and it all changed. I did not know all about myself.

I read it on the passing. And as each point went ahead I realized how relatable those points were to me and things I did in passing. It shocked me. What did it mean? Was I an introvert? All my habits did reflect the same.

In my 26 years of existence I have never pended myself down for an introvert. Nor has my family or my teachers or my colleagues. So could they all have been wrong?

I loved going out and had my own set of friends who I loved talking to. So wasn’t that what makes me an extrovert? ‘An outgoing and friendly person’. The classic definition of an extrovert. That was me!

But here were the realities-

• I like talking to people. But people are usually my selective group of friends. And even within this group is my super selective group of friends who I can speak to on a day to day basis. Trust me that number is really low.

• I do talk on the phone, albeit rarely. Whatsapp (and text messaging in earlier times) is my preferred form of communication. Message me. I am usually available and will usually reply in a matter of minutes. Call me and I might not answer. I feel I need to be mentally prepared to speak to someone on the phone be it my best friend. It seems like a task to speak on the phone. Often I do not answer because I am mentally not prepared to do ‘voice’ talk to them. With messaging I am more comfortable but sometimes I am in a zone and will usually take a lot of time before replying and kill the purpose of the word ‘instant’ messaging in instant. Chats I can’t do. At all. 

• I like going out. But I have my own timings & days. Like post work weekdays I do not like doing. I feel I have spoken to enough people in the day and have no energy to interact with anyone anymore and want to just go home. So I often fake sleepiness. But in reality you will find me up till 2-3 AM even on a weekday in my bed reading a book or writing or watching the latest sitcom. Then come Sundays. Sundays are my recharge days which I prefer doing nothing but sitting in my bed reading a book or writing or watching the latest sitcom. 

• I like meeting new people. But in a limit. And usually in known circumstances. How do I define ‘known’ circumstances? Like during student life, like on start of a new college year. During start of a new job. During start of a new hobby class. So if you think of it, I will possibly not be making any new friends anymore. 

• I like parties. But I prefer smaller parties where I know the people I am meeting. I prefer it even more if the people on the invitation list are my group of closest friends who I already hang out with (reiterating point about me not making any new friends anymore). I hate it when the host of the party introduces me to someone new and walks away because that usually means I will have to carry out conversation with this person I do not know for atleast a few minutes before I can pretend I got a call and walk away. It often feels like work talking to people! 

• When I come home from work I do not like it if there are guests over at home. I prefer going home, saying hi to my mommy, meeting my lovely doggies, changing and then crashing on the bed, reading a book or writing or watching the latest sitcom (I do feel me and my laptop can have the perfect relationship). 

• If you ask me to pick between going out and staying home, I will mentally pick staying home a lot of times. Doing what you ask? Sitting on my bed, reading a book or writing or watching the latest sitcom (my sitcom collection is the bomb, I should start charging people when they ask for my hard drive, I could make a hell lot of money, that is how huge my sitcom collection is).

So am I an introvert? I do tend to do a lot of things on that list.

Is it really that simple? You are either this or that? Can’t personalities have grey areas too? Maybe I was just a less social extrovert? Or a more social introvert?

I think here I have ka-boomed on a new personality called the ‘ExtroIntrovert’ (and again you will see the reflection of my know-it-all personality here).

But I am sure it’s a thing. Again I hope I am not the only one there. Anymore of our kind out there? Think about it. We all (yes we all includes me) do not know ourselves as well as we think we do. Some facets of our personality are rarely visible even to our ownselves.

No more laughing on people who want to discover themselves, I have newfound respect for you :P

The YY Sex & Kids ©

Let me just say it.

Should I?

As I type my thoughts, I can already imagine the reaction my statement is going to get.

Okay so here it goes.

I am 26 years old and I do not have a soft spot for kids. I do not find kids cute. I never have had a desire to hold a kid. No such desire to play with them. Usually when I see a kid I tend to walk away in the other direction.

Are you gasping? Or are you wondering what is wrong with me? Both?

Or is it possible that some of you are even saying ‘me too’? I hope so. I really do.

During a recent ‘cleaning attack’ I found this photo of my mom holding my brother surrounded by my maternal grandparents. When I took this photo to my mom to show and reminisce, my mom pointed out how she was my age in this photo and her parents her current age. Intended or not it made me realize that I was 26 years old, single and obviously childless. Something that was unthinkable in my mom’s era. The perfect marriageable age for girls was considered to be 21-22 years and anyone above that was considered ‘too old’.

How much have things changed in the last 25 years?

Our parents are more tolerable. They will usually not push us at 21-22 years to get married. Marrying their girl child directly after she is done with her studying is not the norm anymore. Is it because they now get the need for women to have careers or is it because in today’s unstable world with high rate of divorces they want their daughters to be prepared for the worst? Sometimes I really wonder.

What about having babies? Has anything changed there?

What was the earlier norm? Get married and have kids within the next 2 years? I really do not think that has changed. Obviously because the marriageable age has been pushed and so the age when you have kids but no matter when you get married, immediately after marriage you will be pressurized indirectly or even directly to have kids. And that is what scares me. Because unless getting married makes one fall in love with kids I do not get how I will be to my kid?

When I was younger and I did not have a special spot for kids my mom thought it was normal because kids signified responsibility and care and I never had a younger sibling or even a younger cousin. I was used to being taken care of rather taking care of someone. So she naturally assumed that it would happen over time. At that time I was too busy wanting to be an adult/wanting independence/rebelling against my parents so I could not care (how I wish I could go back to that time). But now I honestly do. So is it because I have not taken care of anyone per se? Well I would surely not like to believe that. I have taken care of family members and friends on various occasions. I have taken care of my dogs on various occasions. Infact for one who I got as my birthday gift I was solely responsible for her first initial months of feeding and training (and yes she is a beauty and awesomely trained now..yay). So what is it?

Was I born with a missing something? Y and a half Y?

Or is that kids signify the ultimate responsibility and somewhere deep in my subconscious that scares me and hence manifests itself as not finding kids cute and wanting to stay away from them (psychology 101)?

I can’t seem to decode this. I really hope I am not alone in this.

Maybe things will change. Maybe they will not. Maybe these feelings will go away. But living in this country that I do will I ever be given the freedom to act on basis of these feeling? Will I ever be given the freedom to decide when I want a kid and whether or not I even want one? That I doubt.

Why India can’t stop Honking? ©

Time and time again these articles surface on the internet, get printed in magazines/ newspapers, people voice opinions related to this on the radio and I agree that while there is not much activism for it right now and for all there is it is very subdued so I really should not have an issue. But for all those saying that we need to stop honking as a nation, that it effects the noise pollution levels, about how some countries barely honk on roads- I completely agree with your cause and totally feel that we should stop honking. But just one question- How can India stop honking?

1) Pedestrians choose to cross the road without a so much of look left look right. Crossing the road is really not like getting up from your bed and going to the loo but it seems it is.

2) The most irritating pedestrians are actually those who walk on a road like they are walking inside a mall. Holding hands, gossiping, walking slowly while back slapping each other all in the middle of a road. Like really, mall walking on roads can be injurious to life. (Between when you honk at them, they turn back and glare at you like you are the stoopid one).

3) Then there are the elite of the society. The upper class. The high society. Like Sweety aunty must get out of her BMW 7 series in the middle of the road and cause a huge traffic jam as 10 others behind hers are now stopped, rather than just ask her driver to stop at the parking stopover which her favorite Citywalk Mall has so conveniently provided just a few feet away. Sweety aunty please be sweet and think of the 10 cards peeche you!

4) There are also those people who while driving at insane speeds think it is okay to just suddenly decide to turn right. Boy I know that your hormones are rushing at the speed of light and can make you fall for one girl in one minute and the other one the next but these are cars and roads, so next time please look around.

5) So we have all these fancy lanes, but the white lines are just useless demarcations right? Because when we feel like going in the right lane we will do that and when left we will do that. We change lanes like we are actually driving in the Fast & Furious. Even indicators are not given as a courtesy. Tch tch.

6) So how many times you stop when the light is yellow and then wait for another 5 minutes for it to turn green so that you can take your right. In the meanwhile this line has developed behind you and you are happy than in 1 minute the light will be green atleast for sure you will get through. But then there comes this one smartass who think it’s okay to come from behind all the cars and put his car infront of yours and before you know all these smartasses have come and kaboom you are stuck waiting for the next green light.

7) Whenever there is a free right or left the drivers who have to go straight will never leave space for the free turns. Oh why dear fellow citizen must you be so mean?

8) Bus drivers. Auto drivers. Rickshaw drivers. BRT.

9) Oh how are we forgetting Sweety auntie’s daughter Baby? So while she stops on a red light she starts touching up her makeup (remember its apparently just touching up as she already seems so painted and you wonder if these many colours were actually be created to put on a face specially in bright sunlight). Comes out the Mac playbook. There comes the lipstick, touch up with the Lip Gloss, then her eyeliner is perfected and then the shadows. Little blush on the cheeks please? Oh perfect. But did I tell you that it was 2 minute red light? And once Baby starts with “Babying” up she can’t stop till she’s finished. And you are stuck behind her!

10) You are going home after a long day and can’t wait to get back. Your drive is long enough and you are hoping for no traffic as its late enough. And then at the most unexpected place there is a huge jam. And after being stuck there for 1 hour, you realize the reason- Baarat was dancing on the road and blowing crackers. And then you think to yourself, maybe some people do own some roads.

So we honk and we honk and we honk!

(PS- We need to really civilize ourselves as drivers and pedestrians with more empathy and consideration of others and improvement in infrastructure and then we shall truly stop honking.)

Why to love ‘How I Met Your Mother’ even after 8 long seasons of not knowing the mother? ©

Let’s start with finale of season 8. Did not get to watch it the day it aired but the minute I knew the mother had been revealed I actually felt goose bumps and went straight away to Google her picture and when I did see her I went all “awwww.” The casting directors must take a bow. They have found the perfect Mrs. Mosby! When I finally got time to sit down and watch the show, I felt like a kid waiting for her present. I contemplated fast forwarding the 21 minutes to just see the moment the mother is revealed but that would mean missing the 21 minutes of the show so I didn’t. I don’t know how many of the breed of HIMYM loyalists are left. But for us breed, it was one special episode.

Most of my friends who belonged to this breed in the beginning have slowly moved on by now. While some have completely stopped watching it, others keep watching it for the hope that it will end one day and great mystery will be revealed. I on the other hand, have always loved this show and will miss it dearly once it’s over. I really can’t wait for season 9 but it also saddens me that there will be no season 10.

So why do I love this show? There are exactly 4 reasons to that.

1)      Ted

How can one not love Ted? His belief in the universe and never ending search for true love is heartwarming. Even after one fall after the other, the guy still believes he will find his one, his one true one, his soul mate, the girl who will complete him, the mother of his future children and that is “awwww.” So much hope in the magic. How can you not love that? It is our inspiration. Life leaves us all so jaded. As we grow up life stops being more about work career and growing up than love and soulmates. When we were younger we often felt that we were put on this planet to love, to find love and as we have grown up- among those of us who found our love, our one, we have let love take a back seat while work/career/ growing up drives and for those who tried and didn’t they have resigned and moved on from love only itself. Being a part of this clan I feel truly ashamed sometimes that we all seem so practical and boring. Don’t get me wrong. We can’t always live to love or walk like there is music playing in our heads or take every love lost in our stride and smile through but we can be a bit more optimistic. A bit more romantic. A bit more “awwww.”

Ted makes me believe that one can always believe in love so much, one can believe in hope always, one can believe in soulmates, one can believe in romance.

2)      Barney

Okay so everyone at one point of time has loved Barney. Be it because of his antics with ladies or all his bro codes, or his plays from the playbook or his “legen..wait for it.. daryness” But the most magical part about this character is how it has grown over the years. How Barney has gone from being a never want to commit kind of guy to gradually growing into someone who was ready to commit. And all this while never losing his awesomeness. Kudos!

3)      Lily and Marshal

You can’t not love this couple. I would kill my boyfriend if he became anything like Marhshall but Lily and Marshal together work as a couple. A part of my love for them is because in this “who’s next world” they are a symbol that long relationships do not mean love fizzles out or you grow boring together, but that the years are growing together not aging and becoming more fun because of your better half. I love that they have shown this great strong couple who have had their share of problems but have roughed it through. It’s cute how truly dependent they are on each other, how they are not two but one person, and how they complete each other in every way. (For all of you rolling your eyes right now, don’t else they will permanently get stuck there :P, love a little huh)

4)      Robin

This lady is how lot of the men would like ladies to be, hot and not emotional (no wonder she and Barney make sense together). She is strong, independent and totally in control. Ted was in love with her and she was always honest about how she felt from day 1 never ever giving false expectations. Respect.

So those are the 4 reasons why this show is still worth loving.

As much I don’t want this show to finish I can’t wait for the series finale. But I just hope they do not give it the end Friends got, with friends moving on in their lives away from each other. I am at the age in life where some of the people close to me are married, some getting married and some who will be married in the coming few years. Everyone is moving on. And I would like to believe (and hope really), that marriage or having children does not mean that your life with your friends is over. That things have to end. Things change, agreed but I know friends always find a way to be friends and I hope that is how this show ends on one final note.

(Short Story) A Chapter of Sunshine ©

My life sometimes seemed like a chapter off a ‘tear wrenching’ book or a ‘cry a bucket’ of popcorn movie. And trust me, I am not being dramatic. A badly broken family, finding out I was adopted, finding out things about my real parents I would have rather not known and then losing one of the only two friends I ever had to cancer. All of this by the time I was in my early 20s.

I sometimes felt I had lived 2-3 lifetimes already. The burden of life had already weighed me down so much that I was ready to pack up and leave without a word. I felt I needed to give up and it all really did suck. But that's what's it's about life. It is always in control, never you. You just got to live with what you got and hope it gets better when you know deep down it just could all get worse. They say there is a rock bottom? I believe there isn’t, it’s like a black hole with no bottom. You think you can’t feel worse and you do.

So I lived and hoped for a better. A better something that would be my sunshine in this full world full of darkness. And life decided to be kind to me then, and I got my something in the form of someone. When I met him and we started bonding it was actually like a ray of sunshine you get to feel in those bleary cold days, brightening up everything and just making the cold more bearable and more fun. Life was the same, nothing except him had changed but now the whole life just seemed more livable and enjoyable. Everyday tasks of getting up and going to work were brightened just because I would speak to him in the morning and would spend my journey to work reminiscing about the things we talked about and just how magical I felt. Magical, yes that is the term I can use to describe how I felt, I wanted to wake up every morning, I wanted to look good, I wanted to get free time so I could spend it with him, when I closed my eyes to sleep every night I could actually feel a tingle in my toes. I don't know why he had that effect on me. I often try to decode it but I can't perfectly. Maybe it's true that sometimes you just connect with another human being like you are two different parts of one being. Just him being there made me so happy.  Plus he was a damn neat guy. He listened to me, he protected me from a lot of things and he understood me. He loved me.

All this while I never realized how dependent I was becoming on him and he welcomed that dependence, infact he encouraged it. He would only want me to discuss my life with him. And because I loved spending time with him, hated spending time in my dysfunctional family and didn't have too many friends, I also started preferring that. Dysfunctional family messed with me, go to him. My birth parents troubled me, go to him. Got a bad appraisal at work, go to him. Fought with my only other friend, go to him. Him, him and more him. And he would always support me no matter if I was right or wrong. On one occasion, I fought with my sister (our fights were horrible and she was a typical brat so it was another level of sibling rivalry) and because I was so annoyed with her I actually acted diabolical and deleted this presentation she has been working on for a big client. He told me I did the right thing. So while everyone chose to abuse me, he was there. And I loved it. And at that time I felt he was right for doing it, because I felt only he knew how much my sister had scarred me in life. She was the one who even told me I was adopted. So when I did that thing out of "she deserves it" only he could get it.

For me it was finally like having someone on my side, I had a team and I could conquer the world. If life was a restaurant constantly giving me a bad serving and me being the customer who silently ate it and tipped the waiter I became the customer who stands up and shouts and demands for what she serves. I had teeth and I wasn't scared to bite anymore. Come life, Akansha was ready for you with Rahul by her side. Yes that was the catch, him by my side. Because with him I was everything, without him I was nothing. I used to call him my sunshine.

We dated for 3 years and I was mostly happier than I have ever been. I say mostly because no matter how much of a team we were we did have our fair share of fights and when we fought I used to completely break down.  And those break downs were bad. I could not sleep, I could not eat and I could not work. I say could because at this time I was not deliberately torturing myself. It was just a natural reaction. Plus except him I now had no one. So it was worse. And no matter how much shit life had thrown my way this was a place I had never visited. And I hated it.

When we fought and if he would just even say that it's not working out (out of pure anger), I would cry and beg him to not say such things. I would cry, howl and shatter. I think seeing all this did scare him. Who would it not? I don't think he deliberately made me so dependent on him; he was just trying to fix something that was broken not realizing that the glue he was using was him and if he went I would break once again.

I till date don't know how dependent he was one me. I never doubt his love. But he had his own life. He had a normal upbringing. Parents that adored him, a younger sister whose hero he was and a million friends who kept him on their speed dial.

I think the first time my dependency dawned on him was during a major fight we had regarding a small thing. We were to go on a weekend trip. And I had been planning for this trip and looking forward to it for a month. On Friday there was some crisis at his workplace and he had to cancel the trip because he would have to go to his Bombay location over the weekend to fix the fuck up and would be back only next weekend. Firstly I did fight with him for cancelling and cried the whole day on Friday not eating (which was by now my very normal reaction to our fights), that was still okay. What I did or more like what this possessed part of me did after that was not okay. In retrospect I think what got to me was that he will not be there for a week and in the lifetime of our relationship this was the first time he was going to be gone this long. I don't think my heart could fathom and digest that. After he sweetly apologized and got me dinner on Friday night I was okay with the cancelled trip. But then as he was leaving to go home my heart skipped like a 100 beats and I just knew I could not let him go because I felt in every core of me that I would not be able to survive if he wasn't in this city and I could not see him everyday. Trying to sleep what bothered me was the thought of him not being there. I kept thinking of how I would not see him. Then even scarier and irrational thoughts came into my brain. What if he did not come back? What if something happened to him? What if being without me for a week he realized he didn’t want me anymore? It was like my insecurities were suffocating me. I felt I could not breathe. I knew I needed to get out of this situation and save myself. He had taught me to fight back when life pushed me and I knew I had to even know. He would understand. I had to do something. I went to my loo, opened my medical kit and took out all the pills I could find in them. And then I took all of them. Put them in glass, and just swallowed them and then gulped a lot of water. I put everything back in order, went to my bed and closed my eyes. I remember when I opened my eyes in the emergency ward my gaze fell on him and even though I was drowsy like anything I could see the extend of concern in his eyes and then I saw something else in his eyes for the first time. For the first time when he looked at me, there was fear in his eyes. I felt happy, he would not go. I closed my eyes and rested peacefully.

We didn't talk about this incident or what I had done. The doctor had prescribed me psychiatric help. My family could not care much and he, well he did not know how to react. So I never went. We moved on. But that incident changed our lives together, even thought everything seemed the same there had been a shift. He was always careful about what he said to me. First I used to ignore it even when it pissed me that he wasn't being himself. Then I could not ignore it. He would never fight with me over anything even when I did something wrong. I could not take it anymore and that is when the cutting began. Self harm or solace depends on how you see it. Every time he pissed me by deliberately not fighting with me, treating me with baby gloves, I would first fight with him asking him to be normal and then I would go find solace. First few times he did not realize what I was doing, but after the 4th or 5th time he noticed those cuts. That's when I saw the ‘fear because I think you are crazy’ look for the first time in his eyes for me. He scolded me, cried and said a million sorries. Was so surprising, it wasn't his fault.

It didn’t stop. Now my break downs included all of this too. And I would break down on the smallest of the things. He would be going away for a day for work, breakdown. He would be going for his sister’s convocation, breakdown. He did not tell me his night plans which were without me in advance, breakdown. He did not call when he said he would, breakdown. Somewhere between all of this I did realize that now I was deliberately torturing myself maybe as a way to hold on to him when he was not even really doing anything to go away.

I think he realized his love was making me sink. Maybe because he loved me so much he knew things I felt before I knew I was feeling them. By actually being there for me and supporting me even when I was mean just because he wanted to fix me he had created this monster who was normal when surrounded by him but the minute he moved away the monster went down to self destruction.

One day in the evening he called me to meet him in the park near my house. This was our place, where we walked and talked and sat and laughed. We had some of our best memories here. We sat on our favorite bench. For quite a few minutes we both didn't speak. It wasn't uncommon. We found happiness in the silences often. Then he held my hand and when I looked at him he told me that he loved me more than he could ever show me. He kissed me. He took a letter in my hand and asked me to read it when I was home and not before that. And he said he had to go as he had a family dinner. I asked him where we were meeting tomorrow. He just smiled a sad smile and said he was in a hurry and walked off before I could say anything else. I had found that a bit weird. He never gave me letters. He never walked off without ensuring I had also left. I remember clutching that piece of paper in my hand and wondering what was wrong. And I knew I could not wait to go home to read this letter. I remember the urgency with which I read the letter.

I cried for what seemed like hours before I got up to walk home. He had left me and he would be leaving this city that same night itself. He was shifting tomorrow to Bangalore and would not be coming back anytime soon. He would also not be speaking to me for sometime.

I knew this was the end. And I knew he was right in ending it. His sunshine which had lighted up my world had also not begun to burn it. His letter said it all. I understood. I got my why. And I agreed with that why. He had given me closure. In one letter.

I managed to keep calm and not harm myself during this entire breakup phase. I did consider it. A lot of times to be honest. But then I remembered his letter which he had asked me to hold on to. And it gave me strength, exactly the strength I needed that time. I had to be independent to get out of this. And it was time to end the self destruction.

It's been one year as I write this. And I still hold onto his letter. I haven't spoken to him at all. I do sometimes visit his Facebook page. I m not on his friend list but I like to see his cover photo and the thumbnail version of his display picture. I don't do it to spy on him. I just like feeling connected to him in some way. I never doubted he loved me, I think he loved me a lot and did what he did. But his love was like an addiction for me and it had me spiraling out of control. And he had so much love for me that he put what I needed before what he wanted. He knew that he had to stop being my glue and let break again because the cracks showed.

I am still alone but I am independent and I realize now that's a big thing. I can never think of hurting myself to get my way or doing something mean to my family. I don't know how I could be such a person. Every now and then I know I will find the person he wanted me to find. The person with whom I will find the correct balance. And even if I don't I know I will manage alone. Someone said right, we come alone and go alone. To a hope for a better tomorrow..

“….Akansha, I know you must be crying by now. I wish I could hug you right now. I can’t believe I am the person putting you through so much pain when I have hated everyone who has hurt you. But I need to. I have not left because I can’t handle this. I can handle this. I can take care of you my entire life. But If I did that, you would no longer remain the girl I loved because you would never grow with me. You would only be a shadow of everything I knew you were and want to be. And what if something happened to me? You call me your sunshine. But sunshine is not what you need. You need someone else. And now when you search for that one person to spend your life with don't try to find someone like the sun. The sun brings light and brightens up everything but remember it shines so bright that if you look at it directly you will go blind and when it stops shining your world goes dark. Find someone who is like the Moon. Moon brings light in darkness. When you look at it directly it soothes you and when it's not there you do perfectly fine in the day light. Love should not make you so dependent that you are useless without it. Love should bring the best in you. Love that cripples is like a drug better avoided. Love that pushes your limit and makes you rise above everything you will be, giving you strength to be the best you can and silently supports you when you fall pushing you to rise, well that's just what love should be. Go find your moon. I am sure you will and incase you don’t then be your own moon darling.

Love you forever

Rahul”

The so called “Ideal Age” ©

Sitting with friends over a hookah (technically that was a couple of hookahs) the topic moved to marriage. This was a much talked about topic on many conversations with girlfriends over the last year. We had all reached that time in life when we were done with our studies, the post grads and had been working  and the next question which most people would ask us was- what plans for marriage. So inevitably this topic did shift into most of our hookah table conversations. This conversation was like the others nothing different- discussed the same thing. Arranged vs. love marriage, family adjustment, adjustment for women, living with family vs. living alone and then ofcourse the ideal age to get married. The entire ‘ideal age’ of marriage part stayed with me. Possibly because the consensus was that it was around 25 to 26 and I was already 25; soon turning 26 and definitely not getting married anytime soon. The other thing that stayed with me was the consensus that guys had no ideal age to get married and they could get married anytime.

I kept pondering on these two things even after I was home to much later in the night. Why was it that women had an ideal age and men could walk away with “when they felt like”?

Most of it does have to do with our society. In India, a woman’s life is only supposed to begin after she is married while a man must fully enjoy his life before he commits to marriage. It’s like for women marriage is supposed to be ultimate dream come true while for men it is the life they must run away from as long as they can. Then there is obviously the biological reason. A man is born with a lifetime supply of his sperm (well mostly lifetime). But a women’s stock is limited. It’s like Adam and Eve had a race where the prize was lifetime supply of the ‘get preggers’ stock and Eve lost, so now we all suffer the brunt of her failure. Imagine if this would have been reversed and men would actually be the ones with the ‘limited validity’? Would it not be so much fun? In every relationship it would be the guy who would say “Baby, I am getting old we should get married.” Or how about “Honey, let’s have a kid soon before it becomes difficult for me?” Then it would be men chasing the ‘good ripe’ women before they got hooked up so as to get settled and make babies. Just close your eyes and imagine this for 2 minutes. I bet you will be “Laughing out Loud!”

So are these the only reasons? Ofcourse apart from these there is the ‘shallow cosmetic’ reason. Every girl wants to get married when she is her youthful best looking, before the white hair and wrinkles make an onset. Now most men age like wine and they could not care less either ways. Every young male heartthrob has just become hotter as years went by. Even your college crush has just become hotter. But for us women, it’s like a downward slope as we grow older unless you are a beauty queen and constantly in the eye of the media with 100 people helping you with your fitness regime, 200 people helping you cover up what even the fitness regime can’t change and 1 very important doctor who can undo the work of even 300 years on your skin, ass, boobs and any other place you thought no one would even look at. So unless you are the rich and the famous you are bound to age in the not so “Jennifer Aniston” fashion.

So as a conclusion there are 3 main reasons that make us define our ideal age- society cum parents, ‘preggers’ stock and we ourselves. If we look at it logically, 2 out of these 3 are indirectly or directly in our control. And if we control the majority we could actually push and define this age like we wanted. And should we not? I know this is not a change that would happen so easily, but even if few of us change our thinking would it not affect our future generations and so on? Ofcourse there would always be those annoying aunties and uncle who have no better work than to ask you when you want to get married but atleast one would not feel pressurized by it since there would no so called ideal age.

People want to start big revolutions but can we also start this ‘small sa’ revolution so that one day no 25 year old girl will feel that now it is her age to get married so she should start wanting to and planning for it even if she did not feel ready for it? And that marriage even for women becomes something to be done when they are  so in love that they want to be married or maybe when they themselves want their parents to start looking for the perfect guy because they themselves want to begin the next chapter in their lives and not cause it is the ideal age to.

Revolution ‘No Ideal Age’ anyone? ;D