1st April 2011
It’s not easy admitting to you own self about how broken you
are. Sometimes it is not easy even admitting that you are broken in the first
place. You go to office, keep the un-bailable social engagements, sleep at a
decent time, pick up no vices, smile when needed and laugh when required. It is
tough for anyone to think that you are enduring a broken heart. And among all
those games faces you put up, you yourself forget that it’s just a face to conceal
the brokenness within. Sitting and crying in my mom’s lap, the one woman I love
the most did the realization come to me- that it hurt like hell. And no matter
how many games faces I had, there was no way to turn off the pain, no way to
put it off any longer. I had a broken heart and a failed relationship. It was
time to accept both those facts and move on.
For people like me, the ones who are totally control
oriented, like knowing where their life is going, like being stable, like
having safety net- this isn’t easy. The pain comes in not only admitting to
others but most is admitting to self. That something you loved the most;
failed. Something you were proud of; failed. The person who you were proud of;
failed..you. Dawning? About time. At 25 years, the relationship I spent my early
adult life in, spend my early adult life nurturing, failed me. Wow.
I went back to my room. Sat on the bed, placed my head
between my own hands and cried. All I could think was that I felt alone.
Screwed over. Taken for granted. Left. The last one rang over me, again and
again and again. It was like someone had made a joke out my life- hey, here it
is great relationship, bundles of love, so much happiness..never
alone..<drum rolls>..oh we were kidding..you are meant to be alone and
fucked up..
I met Rahul when I was 18, the first day of college. We had
what you called the picture perfect romance. He saw me, I saw him..our eyes
met..and that was it. We fell deeply madly in love with each other. The people
stopped existing. It was just me for him and him for me. 4 years of
togetherness during college. The next two years doing our MBA together, got
into jobs in the same city and joined with plans to get married within one
year. And it’s been one year. Look at where we are at.
15th May 2011
I accept people cheat, people lie, and people do bad things.
I get that sometimes there is no right or wrong and things aren’t always black
or white. I accept that it can be grey but it would be gray with me is
something I could not imagine. Rahul would cheat on me; I could not imagine or
even dream of that. The only thing that made me feel better was that he came
and told me what he did. He did not try to hide it. His honesty, it’s what made
me love him so much and now it was what made me hate him. In my darkest alone
times, I even wished that why did he tell me. I could have lived not knowing
and thinking the best of him. It’s funny how our pain and desperation mixed
together can make us wish for the stupidest things. A few times I even thought I
should forgive him and let it g, so many women do it, why could I not? Plus I
had a guy who was honest. So maybe it meant something. Luckily for me I snapped
out of it when I thought such things. Made me realize, the human mind and heart
when grappling with pain are totally willing to let the self respect go the
shambles just to get out of the pain.
18th November 2011
Days passed into weeks. Weeks passed into months. The smile
on my face refused to return. My friends tried to get in but after facing the
wall I put up for a few times, they gave up. Maybe that’s what I wanted. To be
left completely alone. My family tried their best to cheer me up, to not leave
me alone but there was only so much they could do. Rahul, well Rahul had
decided to move on. He was now dating the girl he cheated on me with. I got to
know this through one of my friends. This was a piece of information I would
not want to know, she told me because she thought it would help me get out of
this relationship. But unfortunately it put me deeper inside. Why was it that
it was him the cheater..to so easily move on..but for me the cheated upon to
still grasp onto the broken pieces of the relationship? How could he be so much
more rational and understand that it didn’t work out and move on? Did he have a
switch in his body with which he could turn our relationship off? Then why
didn’t I? Why could I just not hate him and move on? I had said everything I
ever wanted to him, I had abused him, cried infront of him and got all the
feelings out of my system. But still I just could not get out. He was there
living his life with nothing more than a memory of us and here I was trying to
make sense of what happened.
Wake up. Office. Home. My life.
26th February 2012
It’s almost going to be a year since I broke up with he who
must not be named. Yes he is addressed as him or he who must not be named. I prefer
thinking of him like Lord Voldemort, the evil force. Spending years with one
person makes you so dependent on them that the first part of recovery post a breakup
is actually leaning to live alone and be independent. There is no one to wake
you up in the morning, no one to chat through the day, no one to instantly call
when you have something to share, no one to meet and have dates with, no one waiting
for you to go home and no one to wish sweet goodnights to. Worst of all, the
feeling you have, the one where you always feel safe in your heart because you
know there is someone out there for you who loves you like crazy, that feeling
goes and all you are left with is emptiness. After living as two you are
suddenly out all alone fending for yourself. Well I took it in steps.
Step 1, learning to be alone & not fearing it.
Step 2, reaching out to all my friends and family.
Step 3, keeping busy.
Step 4, not thinking about he who must not be named.
Step 5..well somewhere along the way of doing all those
steps I realized, I really didn’t miss him that much anymore.
4th April 2012
It’s been more than a year. I remember this time. I always
will. I think of how I felt a year back and how I feel now. The pain has
subsided. The life has resumed. Time does heal a lot of things. It does make
the pain easier to deal with, the hurt to subside and the alone-ness to fade. The
only thing it doesn’t do is teach you how to forgive. I keep hearing it will. I
guess I need more time to reach that phase. I am over him, him as in Rahul. Yes
we can name him now. He isn’t that evil. Maybe someday I will be friends with him
and we will laugh back at what happened between us and I will pull his leg for
cheating on me, I will understand what he did and forgive him. Someday, but not
anytime soon. Till then I m happy hating him. Scratch that, disliking him. Hate
is too strong a word. Hate is black. And since I can’t have white, I prefer to
be in the pinks now. They are the girlier versions of the greys. He was only human
because he cheated on me, I am also human so I can dislike him & etc etc..so
all is fair. I heard somewhere that behind every bitch is a man who turned her
into one. And bitches live in the pinks baby. Amen to that.
